Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier
Before going into this movie I was given a warning: this is the worst Star Trek movie. That had me intrigued. It is so bad, in fact, that even the Star Trek universe has discounted it. It’s excluded. It’s the black sheep. I was very intrigued. My brother believes that, while it’s bad, the seventh movie is the worst. We’ll see. I almost can’t wait to see how bad this one really is; it just may justify my reason for loathing Star Trek in the first place.
I popped in the DVD and started it up. This movie had a much better opening than the last, which may or may not have had something to do with the fact that the man himself, William Shatner, directed it. I guess, it being 1989, he felt like throwing something else on his resumé; the man can do anything.
This one began similar to a horror movie; some ugly bald guy was digging graves or something in the middle of nowhere on Nimbus III, which is dubbed the ‘Planet Of Peace’ for some reason. Ironically, next to Earth, this has to be the most unruly life-supporting planet in the galaxy. He’s alarmingly approached by a man on horseback who apparently cures Baldy of his inner demons. Baldy thinks it’s a miracle, and wants to join the man on his quest for…well, whatever it is, he doesn’t say, but he needs a spaceship. Baldly thinks this an impossible goal, but the horse man has a plan, which causes him to laugh evilly. Oh, and he’s Vulcan, which is astonishing to Baldy.
They venture to a rough neighbourhood called Paradise City and enter the Star Trek version of the Mos Eisley Cantina. This tavern was much better equipped, however, with water-pool tables (pool played with floating balls on water) and tri-breasted feline table-dancers. There, leading an army of the Star Trek version of sand-people, they ransack the city, and take three hostages: a Romulan woman (who’s a terrible actress – unless all Romulans are like that, in which case she’s an excellent actress), a drunken Klingon, and David Warner, who played the scientist in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret Of The Ooze (and he’s awesome!).
The Enterprise receives the distress call from Nimbus III, but it’s in no condition to help. Should have know that. It might be a brand new ship, but a new Ford is still a Ford, and it’s malfunctioning all over. Scotty is doing his best to fix it, but it’s a losing battle. Guess he should have spent less time banging Uhura. Seriously, what’s up with those two? She brings him some vacuum-packed dinner and they’re digging in when the call for help comes, and they gotta round up the crew.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Kirk is climbing straight up a mountain with his bare hands. This was obviously a stunt double, but William the man Shatner could do that anyway, even in his eighties. Then Spock comes along in hover boots, distracts Kirk from free-climbing to free-falling to his death, but catches him at the last second, giving him and Bones, who was joining them, heart-attacks. Yes, that’s quite logical, since they’re on their vacation and trying to relax. Later that night they have a campfire and eat…beans? They have beans a couple centuries from now? Scotty and Uhura are eating space-aged meals and they got beans? Whatever. Spock uses a mechanical marshmallow toaster while Kirk and Bones try to teach him campfire songs. Spock, always the jovial one, doesn’t get any of it, and tries to be all spiritual and stuff. But they aren’t up for that – this is a vacation, dammit – so they tell him to fuck off and go to sleep.
In the middle of the night a shuttle wakes them up to bring them back to the Ford Enterprise II, since they can’t be beamed up (the transporter ain’t working either). Having a barely serviceable ship with a skeleton crew (one of whom is a strange-haired hottie in a skirt), not to mention the fact that Klingons are also heading to Nimbus III to rescue their own, it’s an understatement to say they weren’t looking forward to the mission.
Once the bucket of bolts makes it to Nimbus III, Kirk and half the crew sneak down to the planet on a shuttle. Uhura, who’s showing her age more than ever (shagging Scotty will do that to you), does a striptease, which helps cause a diversion that leads to them all invading Paradise City. Obviously, it was a trap; Kirk and crew become more hostages, and the horse man gets his ship (although unfortunately for him it’s a pile of junk). It pays to have a good plan. I thought this called for more evil laughter, but apparently it did not. Did anyone realize that by now Baldy has quietly left the movie? Where did he go? Did he die?
Anyway, the horse man’s name turn’s out to be Spylok, and he’s Spock’s half-brother. He was exiled back on Vulcan because he chose a life of passion over logic. This makes me wonder how he got to Nimbus III in the first place, since the planet seems to be void of space-faring vehicles. Anyway, he’s basically the anti-vulcan. And also, he’s hella-nice. If I had to be held hostage by someone I’d sure choose him.
As many of them as possible stuff themselves into the shuttle and head back to the ship, when the Klingons arrive. Knowing this will not end well, since he and the Klingons are natural enemies, Kirk says they gotta go back and hide. But Sybok is stubborn, and demands to keep moving, so Sulu crash lands in the cargo bay, and the Ford Enterprise II jumps to warp speed milliseconds before the Bird Of Prey attacks. Are all Klingon starships called the same damn thing?
Once out of the shuttle Byspock quickly takes over the ship, and locks up Kirk, Spock, and Bones. Then convinces everyone, using that grand speech of his, to join him in his quest, which he now reveals will take them to a planet at the center of the galaxy. It’s supposed to be a sacred heavenly planet that Vulcans believe is a myth. How Cypok found who knows? Apparently, in order to get there they’ll have to cross the “great barrier” which has been explained to me as a wall that surrounds the galaxy. So I don’t get that; how can they go the edge of the galaxy to get to the center – isn’t that the opposite way? But I digress…
Scotty comes along and busts the trio out of their jail cell (and later has a touching – literally – moment with Uhura), then runs off to fix the transporter. Kirk, Spock, and Bones go make a call to Starfleet for help, which never arrives – but is picked up by the Klingons in pursuit. Eventually Sylok catches up with the trio and uses his brainwashing powers on them. It seems they all get special treatment, however, as Bylok not only tells them but shows them all a painful memory from their past, (which the others can watch, somehow, as if they were movies). This is supposed to free them – curing their demons – and get them to take his side.
Bones seems to fall prey to the hypnosis, and Spock is on the fence, but Kirk resists. He insists that he doesn’t need to be freed from his past, since it’s important to him, both the good and the bad; it makes him who he is. This sentiment is one I agree with completely, causing me to feel a close bond to the Shatner (and that’s why he’s the man).
Spybok shrugs this off and returns to the bridge to stay on course, with the trio eventually following him down. They reach the great barrier and go through it without incident. On the other side they find a big blue mess that reminded me of V’Ger from the first movie. It’s not, and it’s a planet this time. Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Cylok take a shuttle down (and the planet itself seems to do the piloting. They wander around for a bit until they realize there’s nothing to do. They were about to call it a day when an earthquake hit, shooting up several tooth-shaped rocks from the ground. I almost thought the planet was going to eat them. But as it turned out, it was just God, saying hello.
Yes, God. In all His glory.
He chatted with them for a bit and then asked for a lift. This was fine with Sypok, but Kirk asked why He couldn’t just fly back Himself? He’s God, after all. Was it the barrier thing? Wasn’t He supposed to be everywhere anyway? These questions made God angry, and He smites the crewmen with lightning. So Spybok fights with God while they others flee the village. They get back to the shuttle, which is inoperative, but Scotty, who has the transporter partially working by now, is able to beam up Spock and Bones. Unfortunately he doesn’t have enough power to get Kirk, who is left on his own to face the wrath of the Almighty.
Around this time the Bird Of Prey catches up and demands Kirk’s head. Spock and the alcoholic Klingon work out a negotiation with the other ship: they would get Kirk off the planet and blow up God in exchange for absolutely nothing. Back on the planet, Kirk is running around, dodging lightning. It’s obvious by now that this wasn’t God, if only for the fact that it keeps missing Kirk – and God would never miss – He’s infallible after all. But who or what is it? Thor? A Sith lord? Whatever the case, it was left on the planet for a reason for millenia, and now might have a chance to finally get off (though you think this guy would be more amicable in getting a ride). Thankfully that doesn’t happen, as the Klingons, doing their first good deed in any of the movies, fly down, blast the lightning-shooting entity to pieces, and rescue Kirk. Then everyone kisses and makes up, and they all live happily ever after. Then they all go back on vacation, and they finally teach Spock some campfire songs. The End.
Well, that was hardly the worst Star Trek movie – that title belongs to Search For Spock, so far as I’m concerned. In fact, I’d dare say that this was the best one. It had humour, an interesting story that actually had me excited at some points, David Warner, and Spock’s brother was warm and entertaining. Of course, like any movie, it has its downfalls. The whole great barrier thing. Uhura doing a striptease (shudder). The skirted hottie wasn’t given enough to do for her part, except stand around and look pretty, and even that was kept to a minimum. Spock didn’t even get to do his Vulcan nerve pinch (unless it was a deleted scene). And am I supposed to believe that The Ford Enterprise II has upwards of seventy-eight floors?
Anyway, one thought does bother me; why is this considered the worst Star Trek movie? If anything, it’s my favourite so far. Was it the God thing? That left a bad taste in my mouth too, but I think they did a good job of explaining that it wasn’t Him, that it was all just a big misunderstanding. I’m wondering if it’s because it WAS such a good movie that it’s disapproved of by Trekkies. I think it’s the best; they think it’s the worst. There’s something to that. Maybe Trekkies are so used to crap that they just can’t fathom anything halfway decent – and anything truly fantastic (*cough* Star Wars *cough*) is beyond their comprehension. So they settle for what they know, and get used to it. This movie comes along that’s too good to be a Star Trek movie so they ban it, officially making kicking it out of the continuity.
That’s the theory anyway.
The Chris Effect 
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