Star Trek 7: Generations
It’s been a little over a week since my viewing of the last movie. I know last time there was a hiatus in between films but that’s because I took a short vacation. This time there was a reason: I wasn’t looking forward to it. There is no more Shatner. Instead he has been replaced by a new captain, and a new crew; the aptly titled next generation. This would be the Star Trek I grew up with. And by grew up with I’m pointing the finger at the reason(s) I loathe the series to begin with. While that might suggest that, had I been introduced to the whole thing with Shatner at the helm I may have felt differently – and indeed I admit that possibility – I believe the only difference is that I wouldn’t have such strong negative feelings about the show. But when I was a kid, when I flipped channels on the tv and came across this shit, it made me feel sick inside. Even before I realized how awesome Star Wars is. Somehow I knew, even then.
In all fairness though, Patrick Stewart, and thusly Jean-Luc Picard, is pretty bad ass.
Knowing that I’d pretty much have to start over from scratch with this new crew, after all I’d learned from the earlier movies, I reluctantly picked up the next movie from my brother. However, upon reading the synopsis on the back, it appeared that Kirk and his ragtag crew might be back, if not in starring roles then maybe in supporting ones, or at least extended cameos. Ether way that’s better than being there ‘in spirit’ which is just some bullshit term that means they aren’t there at all. Just cause Gene Roddenbury is dead doesn’t mean the crew has to die with him.
So I fired up the DVD and eagerly watched the opening credits, and sure enough William the man Shatner was listed! I didn’t see any other members of the old crew, but I have hope now at least. I never thought I’d see both Kirk and Picard in the same movie. Some bottle of wine come spinning from out of nowhere to smash against the new Enterprise. Is it just me or does that look a little like the Excelsior? Starfleet would’ve made a smart move if they modeled the new new Enterprise after it. The press is in a fury as Kirk comes back to work, accompanied only by Scotty and Chekov. It’s been more than thirty years since they’ve been on deck (or three years, in real time), but no one seems to have aged at all. Although he’s not the captain anymore, Kirk should be, since the new guy doesn’t even want to go the aid of a ship in distress – the only reason he does is because Kirk and the media are there (to document the maiden voyage). Oh, and Sulu’s daughter is a part of the new crew too.
As it turns out, this maiden voyage is bogus; half the crew is absent, and parts of the ship don’t work (typical). Of course a ship is going to call for help now. Why is there ALWAYS someone in need of assistance? Can’t anyone float around the galaxy without getting into shit? Seriously! And naturally there are no other ships that can help (there never are). Doesn’t anyone go on a mission that doesn’t end in disaster? It seems like mankind of the twenty-fourth century STILL isn’t ready for the stars. And just how incompetent is Starfleet? Sending out a ship that can’t even defend itself from an assault (no torpedos). It’s amazing Starfleet has been around as long as it has.
Anyway, Kirk offers what advice he can, but the effort is futile, and they only save a handful of people – one of them unfortunately being Whoopi Goldberg. In their rescue attempt, the new Enterprise gets badly damaged (guess not much has changed after all), and they happen to get stuck in whatever the other ships got caught in. Kirk once again saves the day, helping them escape, but at the expense of his own life. The part of the ship he was working on got a hole blasted in it. When the others entered that compartment, completely oblivious to reality (space is a vacuum; they would’ve gotten sucked out like Kirk), he’s gone.
At least he went out like a hero. Kirk would’ve wanted it that way.
Fast forward seventy-eight years, the new crew is on an old pirate ship promoting Worf, who must be the only good Klingon in existence. I don’t think they like him though; they had him in handcuffs, play keep away with his hat, and at some point chuck him overboard. This is all apparently not real, as they’re on a ‘holodeck’, so maybe their hatred of Worf is also fake. I guess since the last movie, and in the last few decades, peace had been declared between the two races. If not, then it’s no wonder Klingons hate humans.
They get yet another distress call and have to end their game of Let’s All Be Mean To Worf, and they return to the bridge and their new, ugly uniforms. Picard, who played the always awesome Professor X in the X-Men movies (and who never had hair), doesn’t want to help much, as he’s got some other problem he’s dealing with, but sends the other crew members to visit a space station in ruins. It seems like the Romulans attacked, which is good, because if Klingons are the allies now then they need some new enemies.
Back in the ship, Data, who seems to be an albino robot, is bitching about not fitting in. He’s tried for over thirty years, and now is turning to upgrades, which come in the form of a new computer chip or something which will allow him to experience emotions. He has that guy with the visor stick it in him. And yes, that was a gay joke. Come on, it’s the future – they’ve gotta have sex bots by now! After a while Data realizes that it sucks having emotions – namely cowardice – and can’t handle it.
To my horror, Whoopi Goldberg is still alive, along with other victims of the Great Kirk Disaster. Looks like no one ages in the future. One of the survivors is some crazy doctor Soran who’s still running experiments like he was doing back in the day. His latest one involves launching some nukes or something into a nearby sun, and taking Data and visor guy, whose name is La Forge, hostage. As the sun is about to explode, Picard-X and crew rescue Data, but doctor Soran beams aboard a nearby Klingon Bird Of Prey with La Forge (thanks Data for being a coward). So it looks like Klingons are still the enemy.
Everyone thinks Soran has created a new weapon – after all, that’s usually what all evil geniuses try to do – but he’s really only concerned with returning to the Nexus, which what he found during the Great Kirk Disaster. The Nexus is a place that pretty much keeps you permanently high, and exists as an energy current in space. Every time Soran tried to reach in by spacecraft, shit like the Great Kirk Disaster happened. So now he’s altering the course of the current with exploding stars in order do bring the current to him, or rather, the planet Veridian III. The Klingons, who now wear more revealing clothes, take him there in exchange for this supposed new weapon, which is some sun-destroying trilithium.
The new Enterprise follows the Bird Of Prey to Veridian III where Professor Picard X offers to swap places with La Forge and be their hostage instead. They agree and beam him back, but Soran has put a tracking device on his visor which allows them to see what he sees. Picard X himself is probably just a little suicidal after finding out his extended family had been killed – the reason he’d been so pissy lately – meaning he’ll be the last of his line. He beams down to Veridian III, even though he was supposed to be a Klingon hostage now, to talk some sense into Soran.
Meanwhile the Klingons, watching La Forge’s visor, learn what frequency the new Enterprises shields operate at, and configure their own weapons to shoot through it, and begin attacking. Honestly though, what good are the shields? They never seem to be able to withstand more than a few blasts. Regardless, Worf shows his lack of intelligence by having no idea how the Bird Of Prey’s only vulnerability – a faulty cloaking mechanism – could help them. But they try it anyway, and succeed in damaging the mechanism. This reveals the Klingon ship for much longer than the two second time frame they thought would be available to them, allowing them to fire a single shot that completely destroys the ship. I guess their shields were down. Unfortunately the new Enterprise took too much damage in the battle and was about to explode. So they eject the half of the ship that was about to explode (must be some new feature they had installed). Considering that the part of the ship that was removed contained the engine, and the fact that they were in space, it was amazing that the two halves of the ship managed to drift as far apart from each other as they did. Unfortunately they didn’t get far enough away, as the exploding engine part sent the other half crashing to Veridian III. Strangely, despite what Starfeet ship construction, crashing, and movies altogether have taught us, the leftovers of the new Enterprise didn’t explode upon crash-landing.
Back on Veridian III, Picard-X isn’t getting anywhere trying to convince Soran not to kill millions of people with the Nexus current. But as luck would have it, or at least terrible writing, he finds a hole in the shield surrounding Soran’s base of operations. He sneaks in and and tries to stop the apparently three-hundred year old Soran, but gets his ass kicked by supercentenarian. Yes, I looked that word up. Soran then fires his missile into the sun, which causes the Nexus current to hit them, destroying everyone and everything in its path.
When Picard-X awakens he’s back on Earth, it’s Christmastime, and he has his family back. Life is good, but he knows its all bullshit; it’s the Nexus high. So Whoopi Goldberg comes along and tells him to enjoy it instead of being a big steaming pile of misery. But he doesn’t want to be happy, and wants out. Now, since the Nexus isn’t bound by time, that apparently means that you can go back in time, even outside of the Nexus. Whatever. Also, he’ll need captain Kirk to help him with this for some reason.
That’s right folks, the Shatner is back! As it turns out, when he got sucked out of the old new Enterprise, he somehow got caught in the Nexus instead of dying in the cold blackness of space. He’s been living his old memories for, according to him, a few minutes, and is happy now. He doesn’t want to leave. The two of them cook breakfast, go horseback riding, and have lots of fun, arguing all the while about everything not being real.
Finally Kirk relents, and they both go back in time, which I guess is accomplished by just thinking about it. They return to the point in time just before Soran fires his missiles at the sun – and also therefore before the Nexus current is there. Strangely, there’s another thing that’s absent – the past Picard-X. But whatever. They team up on Soran, gaining the advantage. What I don’t understand about this part is that they worry about running out of time, when all they really have to do is stall Soran from launching his missile (which I guess will destroy Veridian III’s sun, altering the the flow of the Nexus, causing it to drive right by them and picking them up like hitchhikers). Whatever the case, not only do they stall him long enough, but they even managing to engage the locks on the missiles, so when he fires them, they go nowhere, but explode nonetheless, taking him with them. Kirk also manages to lose his life again in the fight, plummeting off a cliff. And this time it’s for good.
Returning to whats left of the new Enterprise, we find that despite the massive damage, few are hurt. Starfleet comes to pick everyone up, Data learns to live with his new emotions, and everyone lives happily ever after. The End.
Well, I know times change, and I guess Star Trek is no different, but that just wasn’t what I was hoping for. I thought, maybe with this being a new generation, a new decade, and a new era of special effects, that maybe there wouldn’t be so damn maybe plot holes. At least we got to keep Kirk around for a little while longer. As many flaws that his film has (Klingons bleed RED blood now?), I gotta give it extra points for that. Another change I liked was new Enterprise holding up pretty well compared to its older brethren, proving that Starfleet’s construction of the Excelsior was not a fluke – they CAN built decent ships. I also appreciated the better looking female crew members.
What I didn’t like was a bald Picard-X. I know it gives the man character, but it’s the twenty-fourth century; they’ve gotta have a cure for baldness by now. And where are the Vulcans? Have they gone extinct or something? The entire Nexus current made a ridiculous amount of nonsense to me (how come Veridian III wasn’t destroyed the second time around?). Oh, and Whoopi Goldberg. Hate that woman. And why does she, and to a lesser extent because he’s central to the plot, Soran, live so long? And the Romulans, what about them? We don’t even see them? What, they come and attack the space station and get away with it?
Anyway, the way I see it, this new crew is off to a bad start.
The Chris Effect 
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