Star Trek 9: Insurrection
In every great journey there comes a time when everyone thinks that maybe it’s not worth all the effort. It’s too hard. It’s too long. It’s time to give up. For me, this is that moment.
I learned something a little disappointing about Star Trek today. Note that I used the word ‘disappointing,’ not ‘boring,’ ‘sickening,’ ‘loathsome’ or anything like that. Just disappointing. Up until this point every time I’d get a new movie from my brother he’d try to tell me something about it; things to watch out for, things he didn’t think I’d understand, etc. I’d have to run away holding my hands over my ears. It’s not that I honestly didn’t care (which is true), but because I wanted to learn it all on my own, the way nature intended. My goal with this project was to abandon all preconceived notions of what Star Trek was and view it with fresh, albeit Star Wars tinted, eyes.
But this time he didn’t attempt to regale me with trekkie information. Whether or not this was because this next movie, Insurrection, contained nothing worth noting, or because he’d given up trying to lure me over to the dark side, I don’t know. Normally I’d try to remain in his lair of evil for as short a time as possible, but this time, with nothing to persuade me to leave, I took a glance around. What I saw was a pile of Star Trek movies. A big pile. I don’t know where I sit within that pile, but it was enough to dishearten me. Not only that, but, ‘Insurrection?’ What the hell is that? Most of the titles I’d at least heard of before, but not this one. How many more are there that I don’t know about? How much longer is this journey of mine going to be?
Not only that, but now my brother is suggesting that he has a Star Trek related prize in store for me. Apparently I’ll have to wait until after a couple more movies to get it, which leaves me time to wonder if I even want to earn that prize. Do I even WANT to finish this journey at all?
I guess since I’ve come this far…
Insurrection opened upon a civilization of farmers going about their daily lives. Unbeknownst to them, they are being watched by members of Starfleet, including Data, who for whatever reason has been reassigned off the Ford Enterprise II. Then that reason becomes apparent – he’s malfunctioning. While observing the locals in his invisible suit, Data goes berserk and starts firing on everyone and eventually reveals the whole operation to the stunned inhabitants. Not good.
A call goes out to Picard-X, who co-produced this movie, informing him that Data’s been a naughty boy. At the time, Picard-X had been wining and dining some ugly, newly discovered species that they’re welcoming into the Federation (of allied planets or something). They decide to take a quick stop by the planet carrying the new civilization, even though their ship is reportedly not prepared for it (since when has it EVER been?). Before they get there though, Data strikes again, attacking the surveying ship, Deep Space Nine. The ship’s captain wants Data’s head, but Picard-X negotiates a chance to take him alive, and if not, then he’ll terminate the android himself. I guess Picard-X is still responsible for him after all.
Setting off on a transport vessel, he and Worf are quickly attacked by Data, who seems not to recognize friend nor foe, zipping around in his own ship. Using show tunes to distract him, they manage to sneak aboard his ship and turn him off via remote control. Then they all beam down to the planet surface to free the hostages – people Data had held captive. As it turns out the locals are far more technologically advanced than anyone had known. They chose not to use any of this technology in their daily lives – CAUSE IT’S THE DEVIL! They’re basically Amish people.
With Data back aboard the Ford Enterprise II for diagnostics, they don’t really have any reason to stick around. They’re even told to hit the road by the other captain. But because of Picard-X’s blatant disregard for orders, he stays.
After studying Data they learn that it was not his fault he malfunctioned; he was sabotaged. They beam back down the the planet to do some investigating, and find a hidden holographic base. We also learn that Data is pretty much immune to water. He can either walk underwater or serve as a floatation device, he won’t rust, and it doesn’t even make him wet! That’s incredible! Anyway, they eventually discover that the planet, Ba’ku, has a metaphysical healing power that essentially stops you from aging – although for some reason, only after you reach a certain age. The captain of Deep Space Nine has learned this, and is plotting to remove the inhabitants from Ba’ku so he can exploit the ‘fountain of youth’ effect. Joining them on this mission is a race called the Son’a, the leader of which is taking face lifting to a whole new level of disgusting.
Meanwhile there’s a whole love story going on with Riker, who is second in command, and Troi, who is a counselor or something (I had to do some research to learn that). Although she’s the hottest woman in the new crew, I just can’t see her and Riker together. This relationship came up out of the blue, and recalled some not-so-fond memories of Scotty and Uhura. First, she can’t keep her hands off him, then he’s jumping around like a kid in a candy store, and then they’re in a bath together and she’s removing his beard the old-fashioned way (I’m assuming that several hundred years from now they’ve got something more advanced than shaving – especially with a straight razor).
This rekindled affair is only one effect of the planet. Picard-X also feels the tug of romance, as he begins to fall for the leader of the Ba’ku people. Worf unfortunately begins puberty again. LaForge, now sporting a goatee, can see without any aid of any machines. He’d apparently swapped his visor for implants some time ago, unbeknownst to me. Now he had to remove the implants to he could use his eyes naturally. Oh, and the womens’ boobs have started to firm up.
Because of his love for the Ba’ku woman, Anij, Picard-X once again decides to disobey direct orders. Deep Space Nine, as it turns out, was not on a survey mission after all; the removal of the inhabitants IS the mission. Picard-X tries to reason with them, but it’s a losing battle. He even uses the Prime Directive (the Federation’s founding principle), which states that they can’t interfere with any developing civilization, but to no avail. Considering that he and his crew have completely bastardized this notion in several passed movies, it’s pointless to bring it up. The Federation doesn’t even consider this a violation of the Prime Directive, as the inhabitants aren’t native to the planet (they left their own planet centuries earlier to form a new colony away from violence and corruption and all those other nasty human traits). Returning the Ba’ku people to their original planet almost sounds like a rescue mission. And once they’re out of the way, the Federation can utilize the rejuvenating effects of the planet to help billions back on Earth. Even Spock would agree to this course of action, since ‘the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.’
Picard-X and an ensemble sneak down to the surface at night to set up a defense against the Feds, and take the Ba’ku to hide in some caves. While en route, however, the Feds are beaming aboard whoever they can set their sights on – including Picard-X and Anij. Meanwhile Riker and LaForge take the Ford Enterprise II, which now employs a cute girl with a leopard print tattoo on her face, away from the planet to send protests to the Federation (the planet’s rejuvenation effects also block transmissions). The Son’a do their best to stop them, but Riker puts up a good fight, eventually destroying them, although not without incurring lots of damage. This, of course, goes without saying, as the Ford Enterprise II gets damaged just floating around by itself in space.
On board the Deep Space Nine, Picard-X reveals that the Son’a are nothing more than exiles from the Ba’ku. Having been kicked off the planet for treason or something, they’ve spent the intervening time trying to develop their own ways to defy aging (hence all the face lifts). Eventually giving up, they’ve returned to take back their planet, using the Federation as pawns. The ship’s captain, now wise to this, is quickly killed by the Son’a leader. Then they go to plan B: harvesting the particles of the planet’s rings, which are what causes the rejuvenation effects.
Wait, what? It’s the rings? Not the planet? Then why didn’t they just go with plan B to begin with? The Ba’ku people don’t use much in the way of technology, so if the Son’a quietly removed some rings no one would have even known. They’ve made this mission needlessly complicated. Unless they purposely wanted to f*ck the Ba’ku.
Naturally, Picard-X is able to convince one of the gullible Son’as to defect, and together they manage to transport the rest of the Son’a to the hidden holographic base – without them knowing it. Once they figure this out the leader beams over to the particle collector to restart the machine. Picard-X beams over to stop him, and turn on the self-destruct sequence. He succeeds, and just before he’s blown up, the Ford Enterprise II, having just returned from not contacting the Federation, beams him aboard.
Things go back to normal for the Ba’ku. They even manage to forgive the Son’a and invite them back to their planet. Picard also promises to return, a reunion I’m sure Anij is looking forward to. Being over three-hundred years old and having never married (or learned how to swim), I’m sure she’s desperately horny. And who knows, maybe he’ll even grow some hair back. The End.
When I read the synopsis I was unsure of what to expect. This movie seemed to scream of do-gooders doing…good, or whatever it is they do. Yawn. More save the whales crap. Not literally, mind you; they’ve done enough with whales as it is. But having seen it I’ll admit that it was pretty good. It seemed to strike the right balance of action and drama. It was nice to finally see Worf kick some ass like everyone claims he can, but it was also nice to meet a civilization other than the Vulcans that have achieved a peaceful existence. They probably could have left out Data stalking that kid, who was obviously terrified of him, though.
Unfortunately, the plot holes are still there – and this film has a big one. By the end of the movie everything seems wrapped up and resolved. But it’s not. The entire mission isn’t really over. I mean, considering that the Federation was all for using the planet as a fountain of youth, what’s to stop them from launching another, hopefully more peaceful, venture? And maybe if their balls are unseasonably large, they could even make Picard-X lead it. Hopefully we’ll learn what happens in the next film. One of the MANY next films.
This was the last Star Trek movie of the nineties. I’ve got to be close to the end by now.
The Chris Effect 
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