The Chris Effect

Way back when I reviewed Khan’s Revenge there was the Genesis planet, which was integral to the plot. Back then I was young, naive, new to the game. I thought Genesis was the title of one of the later movies.

Well, at least I was close.

Nemesis is apparently, and thankfully, the last of the older movies. And by older I don’t mean the original cast older, I mean older than the pre-reboot 2009 Star Trek. I can breathe a sigh of relief now; the end is in sight. I figured, since they seem to make a movie every three years or so, and since this one was produced in 2002, that I might still have a couple movies left to go. I guess I could lump the entire series into three parts: original cast, next-gen cast, and reboot cast. Or, as I think I’ll refer to them: Kirk Trek, Picard Trek, and New Trek.

But wait, there’s more. Seeing as how this is the last film before the New Trek, that’s why my brother is planning on “rewarding” me with a Star Trek related “prize” for completing what he refers to as the “classics.” So this final film in the Picard Trek is turning out to be somewhat of a mixed blessing.

Anyway. When the movie opens, much like a typical sci-fi film, some planet is undergoing politics or negotiations or something. Romulans are involved, I understood that much, although everyone involved looked more like Vulcans to me; either would be a nice change, since the later have been sorely missed for the duration of Picard Trek, and the former being absent throughout most of the movies altogether. Unfortunately, I got the feeling they weren’t Vulcans after all, since some of them seemed to get a bit testy. The negotiations failed, and someone set off a pretty little sparkly green bomb that made everyone dehydrate into dust. It was a cool effect.

And where are the crew of the Ford Enterprise II? Why, getting married! Well, specifically Riker and Troi, the intrepid couple from the last movie. You heard it from me first: it’ll never last. Oh, but what a wedding it was! Data sang show tunes, Worf got wasted, and there was mention of them all getting naked on Betazed, which sounds like a permanently nude resort planet. Even Whoopi Goldberg was there.

Gag. Sorry. Bad visual.

We’re then treated to a nice view of the ship, looking as sexy as ever with a fresh coat of paint and parts. Strangely enough, it’s actually functioning perfectly (at least for now). But hey, polish a turd and it’s still a turd. Naturally, they pick up a signal coming from a planet close to the Romulan neutral zone. This signal was unusual because it was positronic, and those signals are typically only emitted by androids like Data. Out of curiosity they decide to tempt fate and go check it out. Perhaps we’ll finally get to see some Romulan action!

So Picard-X, Worf, and Data take a shuttle down to the planet, which upon arriving they discover is broadcasting several signals, and bomb around in a Starfleet dune buggy, eventually stumbling upon the arm of an android. So that’s what’s causing those darn signals! The drive around, collecting the rest of the android parts, each emitting its own signal, ending with the head. Interestingly enough, it looks just like Data, right down to the eyebrows not matching his hair colour. No sooner had they collected this final piece they are assaulted by locals in their own dune buggies. They make a hasty retreat, blasting as many of the ugly creatures as they can. Considering that the planet, Kolarus III, is ‘pre-warp’ (read: stone-age), any contact with the inhabitants would violate the Prime Directive, as least in my understanding of it. In this particular case, not only did they brutally molest the Prime Directive, but they impregnated it, tortured it as it carried the child to term, and then savagely beat the infant bastard ‘shead on a sharp rock until its brain turned to a JELLO-like substance that they would feed to the remaining locals (again, as is my understanding of it).

Back on the Ford Enterprise II, they put the android back together. It’s apparently Data’s brother, B-4, made by the same scientist. And he apparently has Alzheimer’s, as he doesn’t remember anything from before they found him. So they decide to plug Data into him to download all his programming and memories, which I think reeks of bad idea syndrome.

Somewhere around here they get a call from Starfleet to go to Romulus, the planet of the Romulans, on some diplomatic mission that’s bound to fail. By some strange fortune (like, say, the green bomb in the opening scene), a Reman is Praetor (guy in charge). Remans are looked at as a lesser species, so how or why a Reman is in charge of Romulus who knows? The crew sits around for seventeen hours on the doorstep of Romulus, waiting to be invited in, when finally the Scimitar, a Reman warship that dwarfs the Ford Enterprise II, shows up to give them directions. This ship can also cloak perfectly (unlike the Klingon ships), and has no method of detection – although I’m sure Spock could find one, if he were there. Oh, and it emits an extremely deadly type of radiation called ‘thalaron’, which is illegal in their part of the galaxy. They beam down to a great hall and meet the new Praetor, who is neither Romulan nor Reman. He’s human.

Actually, he’s Picard-X. A younger version, maybe still in his teens, but it’s him, and he still has no hair. In a confusing confrontation, the Praetor pretty much explains that he IS Picard-X. and even gives them a sample of his blood to check, which they do, and confirm that it’s true. They assume he’s a clone, but they’re still unnerved – especially Picard-X, who got exclusively invited back to dinner with himself. The clone explains that he was grown by the Romulans in a plot to secretly replace Picard-X, with no one being able to tell the difference. They eventually abandoned that plan, realizing it might cause a war. This of course is preposterous, because that’s exactly what it would cause. Why would they go through all that trouble in the first place? If they want to overthrow the Federation, then a war is inevitable, although this particular path might have the least amount of bloodshed. So the Picard-X clone became a slave.

Needless to say, Picard-X doesn’t trust himself. It also goes without saying that them Remans, led by the clone, are up to no good. Here’s an example: after dinner with himself he mind-rapes Troi on her honeymoon while she’s making sweet, sweet love to Riker, causing her to freak out. Now, quite frankly, if I were making love to Riker I’d probably have the same reaction she had, mind-rape or not. But I’ll suspend my disbelief and assume she actually wanted Riker and not who she saw in her mind.

While the dinner, which from all I saw consisted of mere water, was going on, the other Data, B-4, went and downloaded some random files from the Ford Enterprise II, and then beamed over to the Scimitar to give them the info. I told you that whole thing was a bad idea. Somehow he was part of the diabolical plot all along. But how did the Remans know Picard-X and crew were going to go get the humpty dumpty android and put him back together?

They use this info to kidnap Picard-X, which his clone wants for some sort of procedure. My guess is either he was telling the truth about replacing him, or that he’s terminal, and wants to harvest him for parts. For most of the movie so far he’s looked pretty ill.

As it turns out, it was not B-4 that beamed over, but Data. How he knew there was a dastardly plot going on I’ll never know. He comes back later and breaks Picard-X out. Fleeing from Remans, they manage to lock themselves in the transport bay, and since they can’t leave through the hanger doors, they fly one of the small shuttles through the Scimitar’s halls and out a rather large window, damaging the ship’s perfect cloaking. They return to the Ford Enterprise II and get the heck out of there.

They head for a rendezvous with other Federation ship to make a stand against the Remans, which they know will attack, if only to get Picard-X. You see, his clone is dying, and the only way to save him is a blood transfusion from the captain. Oh, and also, he wants use his thalaron radiation to destroy the Earth, because nearly every race that isn’t human seems to want to do that from time to time. Must be a coming of age thing or something.

The Scimitar, which has repaired its cloaking mechanism, catches up with the Ford Enterprise II before it makes the rendezvous, and attacks it, damaging it just enough so it can’t get away. The clone beams over to gossip with Picard-X, but they reach a disagreement and part, still on bad terms. Since they won’t surrender, the clone will kill them all.

As luck would have it, two Romulan ships enter the airspace, or…space space? Whatever. Surprisingly, they want to help. Unfortunately they’re little more than a distraction for the Scimitar, which handily kicks their asses. In the meantime, Troi, who’s telepathic, don’t you know, finds a way to connect with the clone, or at least one of his goons. From this they’re able to get a sense where they are, and fire that way. They strike oil, crippling their cloaking device. Then, just to keep the element of surprise on their side, they ram the Scimitar, using up the last bit of power the ship has. I’ve got to say, for the amount of damage the Ford Enterprise II absorbed, it soldiered on, taking it in the ass like a pro this time. I guess that only goes to show what the ship can take when it’s at one-hundred percent.

But it’s not over yet. The clone beams a squad of his ugliest goons over to the Ford Enterprise II to capture Picard-X alive. When this fails he turns on his home-made thalaron bomb and decides to destroy the whole ship, his life be damned. So Picard-X beams over to the Scimitar to go one-on-one with his clone, using up the last bit of transporting power from the ship, meaning it’s a one-way trip. Not to be outdone, Data literally jumps over to the Scimitar to lend a hand. Picard-X fights his clone, eventually getting the better of him. Then Data enters the fray and slaps a short-range one-man transporter on him to beam him back to his ship, while he stays there to die as he blows up the Scimitar. I guess no one thought to just turn off the bomb.

Back on the Ford Enterprise II they all toast Data’s sacrifice, and recall fond memories of him. Despite the fact that their ship is powerless now, they somehow get back to Earth, where the ship gets repaired. Riker gets promoted to captain of his own ship, the Titan. His first mission is to go negotiate peace with the Romulans. Picard-X sees him off, and then goes to try to teach B-4 how to be more like Data. Currently he’s more like a child, but when he grows up, who knows? The End.

I wonder if the crew knew this was their last movie before the jump to New Trek. It was quite a finale in any case, with some rather exciting moments. But are we really expected to believe that the clone was of Picard-X? Didn’t that guy EVER have hair? Or did he have some other weird disease (like the one that made his ears bleed) that rendered him completely hairless Not only that, but his clone, who suffered as a slave in a mining colony for ten years while being beaten and demoralized, somehow built the Scimitar in secret? What, himself? In his spare time? In his cell, when he was in captivity? Yeah right.

And Data died? Boo frickety hoo. He’s an android; they can build another one. Oh wait, they already did. I would have preferred Riker dying. Or Troi. That at least would have proved my point about the marriage not lasting. Or maybe Picard-X himself dying – then Riker could have been made captain of his own ship, and it would have made a fitting end to Picard Trek.

And they still have Earl Grey tea centuries from now? I’m buying stock in that company.

Now, about that present my brother had in store for me. After I’d finished watching Nemesis he asked me which movie was my favourite out of all of them. I couldn’t answer that definitively; saying that Final Frontier was my favourite from the Kirk Trek series, and Insurrection my favourite from Picard Trek, but out of every Star Trek movie, the New Trek tops them all.

This wasn’t a good enough answer for him. He wanted a single title from pre-New Trek. I told him too bad because I couldn’t narrow it down to one. Apparently he’d read through some of my reviews and went out and purchased a copy of Final Frontier on VHS, thinking I’d admit to liking that one most. Yes, VH freaking S. Wasn’t that sweet of him? Now I actually have a Star Trek movie in my possession, and I feel…unclean.

But it gets worse. The reason he grilled me on which movie was my favourite was because he wanted me to tell him Final Frontier, to confirm to him that he’d made the right choice. But since I didn’t confirm it, he’s now vowing to get Insurrection for me, much to my dismay. I tried to dissuade him, but he’s stubborn. I tried reasoning with him, but he’s a Trekkie, and they don’t have the capacity for reasoning. I tried begging him. Then I tried threatening him. Then I tried giving up.

Oh well. Only one more movie to go.

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This entry was posted on February 27, 2010 at 12:04 and is filed under My New Year's Resolution. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.