The Chris Effect

I learned something today: there’s a new zodiac sign, it’s called Ophiuchus. This amuses me to no end because I don’t believe in astrology.

This new sign, as it turns out, isn’t really all that new. In fact folks have known about it for ages. Some eastern cultures have always used it, but only recently has this been brought up as a change on our side of the world by some astronomer, who realized that the regular old signs were based off the constellations that Earth was zooming through 2500 years ago. However, we’re in a new neighbourhood now, so it’s time to ‘ophgrade,’ and stick this new sign somewhere in our zodiac table, like, say, between Scorpio and Sagittarius.

This is hilarious to me, since I don’t believe in horoscopes. To me, it’s just a way to make money from idiots (which I totally support, by the way). I refuse to believe that the day I’m born has any relevance to the person I am, how I behave, my personality etc. If I’d been born a few days later I’d be a complete stranger to the person I currently am? Bullshit.

I’ve looked at all the horoscopes and found something relatable in all of them. I have the analytical mind of Virgo, the serenity of Libra, the sentimentality of Cancer, the stubbornness of Taurus, the intelligence of Aquarius, etc. And of course there are many things that don’t seem like me at all. Then again, most sources give pretty broad descriptions of star signs. I’m sure anyone could find evidence of themselves in most signs. And those that can’t either refuse to, or are extremely close-minded.

I believe a person is made up of two things; their experiences, and how they choose to deal with them. If something bad happens, it’s up to you to decide how to handle it, which in turn will affect new experiences. In fact, it’s really up to you just how bad it really is. Same goes for the good shit. Or in my case, the less-awful shit.

Lo and behold, I, like many people, now have a new sign. Where once I was a Gemini, I now am a Taurus. Boo-frickety-hoo! Although, it’s weird, since I’d gotten used to thinking of myself as a Gemini (the twin thing kinda worked for me), now I’m what could be considered the complete opposite sign. Does that mean I have to change who I am? That’s actually not a bad idea…I could use this as an excuse to be a jackass. If people don’t like it I can just tell them it’s not my fault. I’m a new man now. I don’t like it either, but there’s nothing I can do. The cosmos controls who I am.

I’m not in charge of my life; the zodiac is. And it turns out all my life I’ve been living a lie. The Gemini man is gone, replaced with a Taurus. The implications are horrendous. Now I’m not allowed to spend my money so wisely. And I can forget learning the piano, because I’m not as musically inclined anymore (and I was making such progress too). I also now like romantic comedies, and I’m more likely to freckle in the sunlight (I know there’s a medical term for that, but being a Taurus means I can’t be bothered to look it up). Not only that, but I have to get rid of nearly a third of my CD collection, because I don’t like those bands anymore, my immune system just took a serious dive, and I’m three-times as likely to die of breast cancer. But on the plus side, I’m now much more satisfied with my dead-end job, generally get more sleep, and the amount of meaningless sex I enjoy has doubled (from none to…oh).

All joking aside, the thing that amuses me the most is that all those people who are hardcore believers in the zodiac (ie: idiots), have to accept their new sign. Since it’s all based on constellations that somehow effect their daily lives and personalities, they have to acknowledge that it’s really new constellations that have been doing this. If they don’t agree, then it means they don’t truly believe in astrology, and will just go and believe whatever they want. For example, maybe you can decide that ducks are controlling you and your future. And of course if they do agree to change, it would be like admitting everything they believed in was wrong.

Now, since this has angered all the “believers” who are crying foul and uttering death threats, it has been declared that the new sign will only affect those born in 2009 and after, because it was, like, a magical year or something when the sun moved into a different galactic time zone that rendered the new zodiac active, or whatever bullshit they’ve come up with to explain this reasoning. I suppose the real good news is that this has never been declared official, at least not in the western world, where we use a completely different set of zodiacs anyway.

I, for one, support the change and hope they make it official soon, if only to piss off all those people who have a tattoo of their zodiac sign.

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This entry was posted on January 24, 2011 at 16:03 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.